2 Years Ago Today

My life as I knew it ended on this day, 2 years ago when I held Tiger in my arms and I let the vet put him to sleep. This was the beginning of end for me. I knew that it could not go on forever but I so needed more time. I was violently immersed into total darkness, the longest period of depression I have known in this lifetime. I left the vets office and went to see my doctor because I knew I could not do this alone, so began an endless cycle of antidepressants, sleeping pills and pain medication. I feel the loss now just a deeply and painfully as I did then. It seems like only yesterday. On the shelf by my bed I have his ashes in a small wooden box, a small picture of him and clippings from his fur which I take out and touch occasionally. Some days are better than others, and today is not so good. I do know that time will make it easier, but I still feel the loss, and time seems to pass so slowly. Why does it take so long? 

My Best Friend, My Reason for Living, My Life, My Love....My Little Boy, My Tiger!

And this too shall pass! I am Marsha!

Addendum

It’s been several days since I finished my 42 days of writing in the 9th and final wave of gratitude and I’ve kind of been going crazy. No pressure to write, took a couple days off but I don’t know what to do with myself. So here I am, I had to write today because I told myself I would write on the anniversary of Tiger’s death. Tiger was my best friend, my little boy, my reason for living. I know this is pathetic and crazy, but it is what it is. I spent so many years in the darkness of depression and when I would cry and beg God to please help me find a reason for living, that reason was Tiger. He was in fact, my life and I would have given anything, if I could have saved him, but I couldn’t.

My life as I knew it was over as the vet told me there was no hope, to say that I was devastated does not even come close to describing the desperation I felt. I held him in my arms as the vet injected him with the liquid that would take his life. He left me alone in the room as I held him and cried. I didn’t know how I was going to continue living. I had no reason to get up in the morning, no reason to go on, no dreams, no hope. I left the vet’s office and drove to my doctor’s office and so began my descent into darkness, making myself numb with sleeping pills, anti-depressants and pain medication. Hell was no doubt more pleasant than what my life had become. It was so hard to come home, I would cry as I would drive home from work each day knowing that he wouldn’t be there to greet me. My life and my house were so empty without him.

When his ashes were ready for me to pick up at the vet’s office, I felt a little better in a pathetic kind of way. I was glad to have him back with me, to know he was home again. I have him here with me now as I did in the last 2 places I have lived. I have some of his fur that I caress every now and then. I cherish my memories of him as well. He will always live in my heart. He got sick so quickly, in just a few short days he was gone. I wish I could have had more time to say goodbye, it would still have been difficult, I don’t know if it would have made a difference or not.

He was always there for me, no matter what. If I was crying he would come and sit on my lap and snuggle with me. He always slept with me. He had to be in my face, he would put his head on my pillow and sleep with me, if I would turn over he would move to the other side. Back in the old days when the computer monitors were huge, he would sleep on top of it, and sometimes he would reach out with his paw and touch me. He would follow me around the house and even wanted to be in the bathroom while I took a bath. He would sit on the floor and give himself a bath. When I would come home he would always meet me at the door.

I am so thankful for the time I had with him, he was the light of my life, and yes my reason for living. He really did bring so much joy and light into my life and when he was gone there was only darkness. Writing for 42 days in gratitude allowed me to release a lot of the pain I have held onto and to walk in the light. I am forever in gratitude.

Walking my path with my invisible Tiger cat, and always with gratitude, I am Marsha!

Day 42 - Celebrating Gratitude

". . . there will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning."

~ Louis L. Armour

*ArtPeace gifted by Tammi Baliszewski*

Whew! I have managed to complete 42 days of writing about my journey with gratitude. This is not an ending but a new beginning. It feels amazing and I am so excited because I have not always finished everything that I have started. I am celebrating the magic, the joy and the miracles that gratitude has brought into my life. I am the Spirit of Gratitude!

“Celebrate good times, come on!" ~ Celebration, Kool & the Gang

On Day 40 I wrote about complaining, I have one thing to add about Kevin, my ever complaining husband, he never ever complains about my cooking. I am NOT a good cook mind you, but he is an intelligent man. He knows that if he complains I will stop cooking! Haha Then he will have to cook for himself. He makes a mean bowl of Cheerio’s and he knows how to use that microwave like no one else can. Oh, and he’s really good at opening boxes of ice cream. All kidding aside, he was a cook in the Army, so he really does know his way around a kitchen. My grandmother was such a good cook, my daughter Becky is a fantastic cook, my mother is the absolute worst cook I have ever known. Some people have a knack for cooking and some don’t, that’s just the way it is and I am ok with it.

Before I start my next project, I am going to take a few days to finish reading This is the Moment and Gratitude A way of Life. There are so many things I want to do, I had to make a list to prioritize my ideas. Wow! When I was deep in the darkness of depression, I used to pray for a reason to get up in the morning. It feels so good to have dreams again, and a reason to get out of bed each day. Each day that I walk in gratitude I move farther away from the darkness and closer to the light. Yay! Go gratitude!

I cannot say ‘Good bye’, I must say ‘Hello’ because this is not the end, it is only the beginning. I have learned so much and I cannot stop now. Gratitude has become an integral part of me, like a wave surging through my body with each beat of my heart. I cannot live without it. Yes, gratitude is my life. I am forever changed, what an amazing ride, thank you Stacy! I have made my place in gratitude and I am going to live every day of my life in gratitude, now, forever and always in gratitude.

Always celebrating good times and resonating with Gratitude! Always! I am Marsha!

Day 42 - TRINITY OF GRATITUDE

Day 41 - Musings of Gratitude

*Artwork by Shawn Gallaway*

Last night I had a difficult time falling asleep, I just could not stop thinking about what I will begin for the next 42 days. There are so many things I want to do. I still have pain in my hand from the carpal tunnel surgery, it’s getting better but ever so slowly. So I have to wonder if I really am ready to do 42 days of sketching. It will happen but maybe not just yet.

I remember years ago when I was much younger I would be so excited to find money left in vending machines or in pay phones. Now I prefer to leave a coin for someone else to find, hoping that when someone finds it they will be as happy as I used to be when I would find a coin. I know it’s just a small thing, but my little random act of kindness brings me great pleasure.

I remember another time when ever I would go shopping at a local grocery store there was a checker who worked there. He always greeted me with such a big smile, it touched my soul. My husband and I had separated at the time and I was deep in the darkness of depression. It was just a little thing but that smile and friendly greeting meant so much to me. As I got better, I noticed that he greeted each of his customers the same way. I never knew his name or spoke more than a few words as he was ringing up my purchases, but I know that he was making a difference in peoples lives. I shall always be thankful for the smile that lit up my darkness. It really is strange that such a little thing as a smile can make a difference in someone’s life, but it does.

I have often wished that I had the gift of music, alas, that will never be in this lifetime. If I try to sing, it comes out wrong. I cannot carry a tune, I’m not sure what is wrong with me. Is this what being tone deaf means? I also have extreme difficulty trying to recognize a song when there are no words. So I wonder, what does it mean for me if “Music [. . .] is the key to unlock the Heart-Door of the Supreme” as Sri Chinmoy says? I enjoy listening to music and even singing along with my favorites but I only do it when I am alone. I’m sure this is a gift to those around me!

‘An Post’ just delivered my gift, This is The Moment!, from Walter Green. Here is the inscription inside.

Dear Marsha,

I was both touched by your amazing life events as well as your profound journey of gratitude. May you find a nugget or two in “This is the Moment” to further enrich your life. Be well and enjoy the moment.

All my best,

WG

I can hardly wait to start reading. In fact I will begin as soon as I get this posted. I am so great’full to Walter and what an amazing gift he has given me. I am truly blessed. I am gratitude!

Opening doors of possibility as I walk my path of gratitude! I am Marsha!

Day 41 - MUSE-I-CALL-YE GRATITUDE

Day 40 - Living Joyfully in Gratitude

*image courtesy of Michael Benjamin*

 One time many years ago, I was parked on the street. When I returned, cars had parked in front of me and behind me, and they were so close I could not get out. I got really upset, left nasty notes on the windows. Tears were streaming down my face as I backed up into the car behind me and pulled forward till I hit the car in front of me and I kept doing this until I worked my way out. I was so mad I just didn’t care. I must have looked like a crazy woman! And I was, but I would never ever do anything like that now, because I have changed a lot over the years. Now the time has come for me to release this painful memory and to forgive myself. I am great’full for this lesson in my life.

I have been thinking a lot about complaining and yes I do have a long history. It seems like my dad was always complaining about something and my mom won’t say anything at all if she can’t find something wrong. She couldn’t speak a kind word or give a compliment if her life depended on it. What a pathetic and sad way to live. How is it that I can see this and she cannot? I know that the first step to changing something is recognizing it. Oh, and of course, how could I not be a complainer being raised like this? But I do see it, and I am aware of it, so do you know what that means? It means I can change it. Yay!

I think the last 40 days of living and being gratitude has been and will be so very important to changing this. I have noticed that where ever I am, I always find things to complain about. But then after I am gone from that time and place, I remember the things I did enjoy and the ones I didn’t not so much! Interesting isn’t it? I can’t believe the difference gratitude is making in my life, I am now more great’full about what I have, than I have ever been before. It is nothing short of miraculous!

And by the way, I even married a complainer. My husband, Kevin, complains about everything, and I do mean everything! I have always known that he was grouchy but now that I am recognizing this behavior, it seems extreme. He says all the time “I can’t have nice things.” I swear this is true, and by stating it not only does he believe it, it is exactly what he gets! He also talks about the ‘Smith Luck’. I could go on, but I won’t. When my husband and I go shopping for an example, it doesn’t seem to matter where we park, someone always parks so close on the drivers side that my husband has a hard time getting back into the car. Hmmm, why does this never happen to me? He complains of course, but then he hacks on the other car. I see this as being a reinforcement of what he is always receiving. How can it ever change if this is what he puts out there?

For me, being connected to the light is pure joy and I love being in the light with gratitude. I wonder if the complainers in my life have never known the light, maybe that is the problem? So they just don’t know what they are missing. Or maybe this is what they think complaining makes them happy. Do they think that incessant complaining will change things? Hah! Never the less, complaining only brings more of the same. How sad is that?

“Gratitude brings more to be grateful about. It increases your abundant life. Lack of gratitude, or complaining, brings little to rejoice about. Complainers always find that they have little good in their life, or they do not enjoy what they do have.” ~ Louise Hay, Gratitude A Way of Life

It’s only 2 days to a new beginning and to completing 42 days of writing in gratitude. Wow! I am so great’full. I am looking forward to seeing which new doors will open for me. I know whatever it is, it will be wonderful. I have decided to spend the next 42 days drawing and journaling all the things I am great’full for each day. Although I will still blog if the mood comes over me. I am also pondering the idea of trying to learn Tai Chi by watching a beginning DVD I have. By the end of 42 days I should be pretty good at it. We shall see.

The universe always gives me what I really want, so today, I choose to be totally immersed in gratitude, because I know ‘The universe always gives us what we believe we deserve.’ I choose to accept every present given to me with pure joy and delight. Yes, I am gratitude!

Walking my path of gratitude with ever increasing ecstasy, I am Marsha.

P.S. Kevin are you listening?

Day 40 - LET'S CELEBRATE!